I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
