I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
