Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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