i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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