Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
