I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
