operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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