i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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