there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
