You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
