i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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