my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
