I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
