from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
