toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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