My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
