Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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