I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
