Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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