Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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