I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
