I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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