I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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