Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
