I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
