The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
