Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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