It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
