I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
