i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
