im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
