Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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