i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
