Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude i'm inner monologue high
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
