I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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