I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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