I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sober January is a disaster.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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