She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
