i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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