we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
