Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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