It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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