this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
