If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
