i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
