bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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