I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
