hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
