This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
