We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
